I am on MC today. It has been several days since I felt really tired and every inch of my bones ache. I had ignored it. Then right up till yesterday night, I was so tired that I fell asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. I use to take some time falling into the sleep zone but last night it's as if someone had used a blugger & whack me on the head :)

Half way through the night I woke up shiverring. My teeth were clattering & my muscle was almost in spasm. Despite the hot weather, I was never accustomed to air-condition when I sleep. So only my ceiling fan was spinning restlestly like every other night. After wrapping myself up in my blankie for sometime I fell asleep.

Everything around me was spinning & I was wondering why my neighbour was playing the drum so early in the morning. Then I realised that I woke up with headache & dizziness. Despite my condition I took my medicine, alternating between sleep & working on one of my project.

Finally when my head cleared, I went & saw the dr. The dr told me I look like shit (ok, not precisely using that word) & that my throat was really really red. This particular dr always told me (whenever I had to pay her a visit) that work is not everything. As usual, she repeated this phase again today. She told me, "Pleanty of water & plenty of rest or else, you'll be back to & I will have to issue you more MC." I told her I could not afford any more MC as my work schedule is really pack at the moment. She just smile & said, "It's up to you cos the virus had not fully attack, it's only at the beginning".

Hhhmm, the battle cry had started, me against the virus & its allies. Who will triump at the end?

I have not written for quite some time now. Recently I became a member of PJ community library. The place’s nice but it’s really, really cold inside. The 1st floor especially could turn your brain to ‘popsicle’ after about an hour or so. I had recently borrowed 6 books from the Darren Shan series. The show entitled “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)” are base on these books. After reading the 3rd book, I finally managed to get the DVD. I was really eager to watch the movie as when I read, I would try to imagine how Darren (the main character) would look like, his best friend Steve, Madam Octa (the spider) Mr. Crepsley the vampire, the people from Cirque du Freak & so on. I enjoyed the book very much as the book described perfectly each scene & it takes my mind through various adventures. Unfortunately, the movie was nothing I hope it would be. The movie tried to cramp all the series into 1 film & I was especially disappointed how the Cirque du Freak was introduced in the movie. I felt like seeing clips of ‘cut & paste’ scenes which was then turn into a movie. The feeling of curiosity and excitement were no longer presence in the movie. How unfortunate. It could have been a great movie.

I haven’t had that many opportunities to read all those books which was later turn into movies. So far I had read P.S I Love You & watch the movie. Sad to say, the movie had also done injustice to the writer similar to the Vampire’s Assistant. The story written by Cecilia Ahern was in P.S I Love You was great. It was one of those stories that I could laugh & cry at the same time. Imagine! But alas, the movie failed to portray the sadness, the insecurity and the pain the lead character, Holly went through.

So far, the only movie I find which is quite similar to the book I read was Harry Potter, the 1st to 5th movie. The 6th movie, The Half Blood Prince was a bit of a let down as well. I hope to have more opportunities in future to read and compare between the movie and the book which the movie is base on. Hhmm I think my next target would be ‘Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief’ (Grin….)

P.S I Love You by Cecelia Ahern

On the 6th of Aug, when I was temporary out of commission, along with the 22 DVD that Rose had packed for me was this book entitled “P.S. I Love You”.

“Make sure you see the movie 1st before you read the book”, she instructed.

As it turns out, my mood got the better side of me and instead of watching all those new DVD’s which I longed to watch when they debut in the Cineplex like “The Devil Wear Prada” and “P.S. I Love You”, I had a rerun of all those good old movies which I realized I still enjoyed. I had a great time watching Harry Potter series (from The Sorcerer’s Stone to The Order of The Phoenix) back to back, Charlie’s Factory, Pretty Woman while singing the theme song loudly. It was absolutely crazy as I was singing “Pretty Woman, walking down the street” at about 1am in the morning.

I, however did started reading the book several days later, Chapter 1 & 2 while I was waiting for my Dr’s appointment. I had then SMS Rose,
“Hi. I know u said watch movie 1st then read. But I started w d book (P S I love U) 1st. I m only at chapter 2 & I already feel like crying. I think I ll definitely shed lots of tears on tis 1.”

And I was absolutely right. No doubt only recently I actually continue reading the book and subsequently finished the book on the 3rd October 08, but it’s better late than never. I had thoroughly enjoyed a good cry and a good laugh all at the same time. However, what really strikes me is that there are similarities between how I feel now and what Holly felt and most importantly she had her family members and friends to help her pull through.

They, in their whacky kind of ways, each with their own personality including her eldest brother Richard whom she initially cant stand somehow contributed to her journey of realization, self assurance and recovery. The journey, long as it is, she was never abandoned, never alone.

I guess similarly I was blessed to have friends while I go through my difficult journey in life. Rose had been there when I crashed and all along coaxing me to move forward, insisting that I share my pain with her, not judgmental regardless of what I tell her and being extremely gentle & patient. I have 2 very dear friends who would remind me that they love me. And I have another friend who don’t mind me slacking off and being bugged for no reason why.

To those who believe true friendship exist, those who goes through pain or even those who wishes to just grab a good book, do consider mulling over this one. To me, it’s a worthy investment.

Why People Commit Suicide? (Part 2)

Previously, I have explored the reason and indicating signs of people who have suicide ideation. I hope to touch on 2 other important aspects related to my 1st piece on “Why People Commit Suicide?”, which is on Self Injury and on Support and Assistance.

Self injury or self harm is people who deliberately inflict injury upon their own body. Some common form of self injuries involves making cuts in the skin, compulsive skin picking, hair pulling, burning, stabbing, poisoning, anorexia/bulimia or other form of abuses. Self injury aims at relieving or dealing with unbearable emotions (emotional distress), as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort and to numb one self. These people are literally using “Pain to relief Pain”. In order to better understand, let me give you an analogy. When someone cannot bear that emotional pain, they can’t just gorge out their heart so in order to make it more bearable, to numb or not think they for example, take a knife and stab themselves. Now what happen is that the sudden sharp pain jolts the brain to concentrate on the physical pain instead. So the incumbent has somewhat found a temporary method to counter his/her emotional pain.

Is this a good method? Of course not. It is temporary relief but sets off other types of chain effects. As long as the emotional pain is not cured the person will continue to hurt oneself, which will lead to major health problem and sooner or later these people will have suicidal intent.

I believe Asians are not as open nor know how to deal with this issue compare to our Western counterpart. I could imagine if I tell my mother that I am depress, she will most probably say something like, “What’s wrong with you. You have a good job. Don’t think. Don’t be stupid. Where got people think about such things”. Asians are more of a social conformant. We think more of what people think than what we are supposed to do. Well, this may be another whole write up by itself, so as of now I am not going to touch on this aspect.

So, as family and friends what can we do to support or assist our love ones when they are depress, inflicting self injury or indicate the intention to commit suicide. These are some pointers:

Take It Seriously
You might think that the person is just saying and that he/she will not do it or you might even think or tell them that their problem weren’t enough to commit suicide over. Never underestimate a suicide ideation. Never ever judge if their problem is too small nor belittle their problem. It is not about how big or small a problem is but how badly it is hurting that person. Let me give another analogy, if someone loses a dog and think about committing suicide. What would you think? Many people would most probably feel that that is utterly ridiculous. What if I say that the person has no one else in this world and has been living with that dog for years and the bond that was build, the companionship, the sudden lost and all these emotions started to flood in. Yes, many a times these depress feeling that leads to suicidal ideation can be curb. Many mainly need a re-alignment of perspective, a possible solution, time, etc. But still, anyone expressing suicidal feeling needs immediate attention. So DON’T brush them off.

Another point to note is that if someone tells you “I feel suicidal”, this generally means that part of him/her wants to remain alive and part of him/her wants not so much so death but to end the pain. The reason why someone tells you this is because he/she believes that they can trust you, you are more caring, you would most probably understand, more informed about coping with misfortune, would be able to gently guide or support them through and etc. Most people are afraid to get help fearing that it will bring more pain being told that they are stupid, foolish, sinful, being rejected, suspension from job or school, etc.

Be cautious not to brush them off because brushing them off will just hurt them more and causes them to stop confiding their problem to you, to feel stupid and losing the final hope that they have got. This is detrimental and has major impact on the person who has suicidal intent.

Give and get help as soon as possible
In many circumstances, those who come to you only need to share his/her feelings and to have someone to be with. They just don’t want to be alone with their pain. What they need is patience, acceptance, sympathy, support, care, understanding and time. Yeah sounds like too much to ask from a friend or family member right? Well, as a start you need not displayed all the above, any one or combination of some is good enough. However, in circumstances where the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone. Seek professional help as soon as possible.

One way to help someone who is suicidal is either by means of reducing his/her pain or increase their ability to cope with the pain. It is not easy both for the one suffering or the one helping but there are hundreds of ways we can take to improve our response. Knowing and taking these steps may save lives and reduces a great deal of suffering.

Why People Commit Suicide? (Part 1)

The topic on suicide has been a topic that people either rarely talked about, tried to avoid or somehow brought about a certain degree of discomfort. But for the matter of fact, in reality many have somehow chooses to intentionally terminating their own life, hence committing suicide. Those who has committed suicide comes from all walks of life for example Leslie Cheong (actor), John Reynolds (Actor), Alan Turing (British Mathematician & Computer Scientist), Tawfik Abu al-Huda Baja (Former PM of Jordan), poets, sportsman, world renown chemist and the list goes on. Equivalently as many is the type of suicidal method ranging from carbon monoxide poisoning, overdose, hanging, gunshot, jumping off buildings, wrists slitting and others.

The whole idea of death is abhorrent to us yet to me it is somewhat intriguing. Why do people commit suicide or even have suicidal thoughts or “suicidal ideation” in the first place? Is suicide the best option for people? Is there no other way to go about life and what life brings?

Many would condemn people who commit suicide because they generally don’t understand why this path is chosen. General trend of perception would be like

1. Religion disapproves of suicide.
2. Optimistic people would tell us that if you think positively you’ll be able to overcome anything in life.
3. People who thought about committing suicide is just attention seeker or projecting some form of deviant behavior
4. You are the source of your emotions. If a person wants to control their feeling they definitely can do so
5. There’s so much to live for there’s no reason to end ones life
6. Maybe it’s a mental problem and they should see a shrink

Contrary to what most people believe, suicidal thoughts are an involuntary affliction. Meaning people don’t choose to think or planned them. Suicidal thoughts just enter the mind. Hard to believe eh?

In reality, there are millions of people out there who wake each day thinking, hoping and wishing that they could be someone else or somewhere else. There’s just so much pain that people goes through daily. In most cases, people who think or commit suicide are people in great pain or difficult circumstances that they feel that their lives aren’t worth living anymore. It may also be due to major life transition like death, loss of job, end of relationship, and prolong sickness or a steady decline in the quality of their lives.

People who commit suicide often have overwhelmed feeling of helplessness; they are desperate and hurt; they think that something is wrong with them and often blame themselves for whatever things that happens in their life. The more they blame themselves, the less worthy they feel of having friends, fun, happiness or success.

They began to perceive the future as being hopeless. When these people live or believe to be living in such a world of pain and hurt then death ceases to be scary any more – Death then began to look like an easy way out, a simple solution to end their despair.

People, who have suicide ideation which lead to them committing suicide don’t just happen overnight. There are normally warning signs that are loud and clear. This is because it is not a norm for people to choose the path of death, people generally wanted to live. It’s just that they are struggling.

Some indication of a person who is seriously considering suicide is as follow:

• Talk or write about death, dying or suicide and suicidal method.
• Self hurt or self injury (this will be discuss in Part 2 of the series)
• Lack of interest, loss of concentration and withdrawal
• Trouble eating or sleeping (either excessive or lack)
• Feeling hopeless, anxious, agitated, uncontrolled or drastic change in behavior, mood and emotions
• Signs of preparing for death like making funeral arrangement, giving away prized possessions, writing letters or notes

Many a time the chance of recovery is higher if family and friends is able to pick up these signs and know how to handle such situation. Unfortunately, sad but true, sometimes the final push for a person to commit suicide is because they can’t even find the solace that they need from those closest to them. Think for a minute. If the person can get out of how they feel, do you think that they will need help? It’s often because they are lost in a maze that they need a light of guidance.

Some useful sites on this topic are as follow:
http://www.therapistlocator.net/families/Consumer_Updates/Suicidal_Thoughts.asp
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help/warning_signs.aspx
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm

Nudeus of Knowledge

One of the things I needed to do lately was to research on games or simulation for our workshop. Where could I find resources for my research other than libraries. After almost 8 years of not stepping into a library, I had visited the National Library on the 27th Sept 08 and today, 12th Oct 08.

As I set foot in the library, there was this gush of feeling that had long been submerged somehow resurface itself. The feeling grew stronger as I walked down the aisle. The euphoric feeling hits as I ooohhh and aaahhh on all those books that I found displayed on the shelf. I had took some time to visit the fiction section today after I finish my research. Each book seems to be fighting to gain my attention. Truthfully I had not felt this type of little joy for a long long time. I had borrowed 2 fictions written by Terry Brooks. Well, I hope to be able to read his 1st series, which is 1st King of Shannara, The Sword of Shannara, The Elfstones of Shannara & The Wishsong of Shannara. Unfortunately, the National Library doesn't have his full writting collection.

Another author I hope to read more of her books were from Pearl S. Buck. The 1st novel I read way back then was her book, "The Good Earth". The national library fantastic system makes it extremely hard to either locate books or to borrow them cos books are literally divided into 3 different storage area.

My next aim is to borrow War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy & An Absolute Scandal by Penny Vincenzi the next time I visit the library. Well, hopefully reading can help take me to another place, another realm, soemone elses lives so I can leave reality behind.

Failure to Launch

This movie was aired on HBO, Astro quite sometime back but somehow I had never gotton around to watching it. The show was about Tripp (Matthew McConaughey) who was in his 30s and is still living with his parents. Tripp's father especially couldn't wait for the day when his son would finally flap his wings and fly out of the nest.

In their ultimate desparation, they hired Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker) to be their son's girlfriend. Yep, she is a specialist in helping guys who are old enough to stand on their own 2 feet but refuses to leave the comfort of the house they grew up in. I would definitely recommend this show to anyone who wants a really really good laugh.

But that's beside the point. What strikes my thinking cap here was that Sarah uses the same method for all the guys and it works. Well, she'll have to fine tune the content but generally the process is the same. But with Tripp, her methods failed and she needs to improvise. One of the reason for her failure was that she was over confident and she did not obtained the crucial information which can determine the success or failure of her project.

That leads me to think that we, as consultants can learn a thing or two from this movie:

1) It's absolutely alright to use back the same tool which we have master especially if it has been proven successful

2) You need not have all/the full detailed information to ensure success. You just need to make sure you identify the correct & yet crucial information and make sure you have it to ensure success.

3) Always fine tune your methods/tools to suit your client's needs

4) Always have or prepare a contingency plan. There's no sure safe methods on earth

5) Knowing who's who is important. Your clients have several levels of influencers. Crucial to determine the right influencer and provide the necessary information to these groups.

6) Teachnology can create wonders when uses appropriately.