Tears of sadness flows like rivulet of water following the curves of my face. As it trickles down, my memories ware tormented with nothing but cruel lashes of words and accusations thrown at me for my inadequacy. It seems that I was the only channel for people to vent their emotions, frustration and anger. And yet silence. For my mouth was seal as if by an invisible tape. I was the core of all things that could ever go wrong. Yes, it was my fault. I had for a long time believed that to be true.
The feeling of worthlessness overwhelms me. Nothing I do was ever right. May it be with friends, with family, with work, everything I had ever done, ever work for is all futile. I was so engulfed by worthlessness that it has paralyzed me. Struggle as I may I could not overpower it’s force against me. Why then do I need to fight something that I have no power against? Why should I constantly battle between how I hope to live my life compare to my current state? I am battling none other than the ghost of my own thoughts, feelings & emotions. Alas, I can’t change my life or my thoughts. It’s been engraved and deeply etched into my being.
I question daily my existence, my value to live. To continue to suck air into my lungs. To continue breathing. Where shall I find my comfort? In whom should I seek solace from? When I find myself drowning in the sea of despair, struggling to stay afloat, I reach out my hand desperately…but there was no hand, no buoy, no help. I was wrong. So extremely wrong. There are still those who had offered, who had extended their hands. Why then would you choose to drown? A little voice in me whisper, tell them. That little whisper makes my heart jump for joy as it realizes that I could still attain help. Then I realized it’s not that I do not want to grab hold but I can’t.
I have endured enough critique & judgment by people. I fear that my current state might not be able to withstand that change of perception from the meager few friends I had left. As I sat contemplating what had happen lately, the rivulet of tears had blurred my vision. I then realized that I was sobbing. It has almost become a routine of sort, this sobbing of mine.
I just want it to stop. I don’t wanna sob anymore. Neither do I want to feel the pain that’s stabbing my heart. I would do anything to make it stop. I don’t want to live life carrying both physical & emotional pain. Please, please stop!
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3 comments:
Who are they to judge U? Aren't they being judged themselves? We have two ears..one for in..the other for out! Let the worthy ones only stay inside us. Let others. That's the secret- let go!
Never hold on to what is not yours.
Your life- you live as you want it to be.
That's true..the secret to happiness is to let go of the things that hurt you.
Dear friends,
Sorry i took so long to reply. Twas thinking. Both of u is absolutely correct. But it's just human nature to judge, especially when what we do is different from their thoughts, belief or perspective.
I am trying. Sometimes, it takes time to let go. Even scars take time to heal. It's not that i wanna hold on to things that's whacking me out. Sometimes I cant help it. There's still high tendency for me to think about things i shouldn't do.
My dear friends,
TQ. I just need support, understanding, patient and time. Ok, an occasional whack to come back to reality helps. :P
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