18th September 2008

18th September 2008.

Some might wonder, is this date significant? Is it politically related, historical maybe... well it's none of the above. It's only significant to me & the main reason I wanna put it down so that I won't forget what I feel. Someone close to my heart went for an operation today.

It's still vividly clear in my memory, she went for her usual checkup on 5th Sept. At 3:36:28pm, she sms me informing me that she needs to go for an operation on the 18th. I didn't have time to really digest the sms when I saw her walking through the door. Well, there's this song with the lyrics that sounds something like this "Walked under a bus, got hit by a train..." well it sure feels something like that.

Text her that nite asking if it's ok for me to vist her in the hospital. She said yeah, so long as I dont look worried or sad. She knows me. I am the worried type. So I told her, deal. (Well, sign, seal & deliver. Hhmm I think this is a title to a song...).

Went out yesterday with another very very dear friend. We were wondering what to get for her. Well, I thought of getting her the latest book by Cecelia Ahern (U know the one who wrote P.S I Love U), which entitled "Thanks for the Memories" But decided against it. Stupid of me, I should have surf Facebook 1st. So I quickly text another friend hoping to shed some light to my dilemma. Well, by the time the light came I am already on my way back home. Got her something else instead (and some magazines). Hopefully it'll last till Sat cos I am hitting the book store again & I now know what I want. I was out for bout 8 hours & had a splitting headache by the time I reach home. Despite the splitting headache, I was wondering if she is alright. Thus at 10:56:32pm on 17th Sept, I sms this to her:

"Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said: The sick person's sleep is considered as worship & his moaning as litany of praise to Allah. He is rewarded as though he is performing his usual prayers when he was healthy although he is unable to do so now. His supplications are accepted, his sins are forgiven, all his mistakes & wrong doings recorded in his book are deleted..."

I hope I didn't send her some ajaran sesat. Just hope that something will encouraged her. I know I always do such lousy job at trying to cheer or encourage people. Well, she didn't reply & I dont expect her to.

So after 2 long weeks, today is her operation. I took 1/2 day afternoon leave today. I was feeling fine in the morning. I was totally whack out by 11.30am. I began to feel anxious & extremely stress out. Can't work proper, practically counting down the minutes. Left at 12.18pm. I really hope to see her before they wheel her into the operating room. Thank God, I reach there by 1.10pm & she was wheeled in by 1.30pm.

So, there I was waiting anxiously (her husband was also there) up till bout 3pm when the Dr came out to inform that the operation went well. That was like major relief. We continue to wait till bout 4pm & she was pushed out from the operating room back to the ward. She was in tremendous pain, her anesthetic was wearing out, she's awake & they have yet to give her any pain killer. The worst is seeing how the nurses move her & she winced in pain. Seeing how when the bed rolled over a bump on the floor & she is in pain. Well, I would have sounded if it had not been that her husband had not said anything yet so who am I to be screeming at the nurses.

Seeing her like that opens the floodgate of my memories, memories of my operation. No doubt it has been 13 years since but I can still remember clearly the pain that shoots through every nerve & cell in my body.

A deal is a deal. I had to put up a brave front. Smile. Joke. Both before and after the operation. I will continue to do so until she is fully recovered. I left at about 5pm. As I was walking to the lift that's when I started crying. I feel like an idiot but this idiot could not help it and neither can I control it. It's a mixture of feelings, Happy and reliefe because the operation went well, sad and anguish because she is going through pain and finally I don't understand why she needs to go though all this. People walking pass me must be wondering. Well, Thank God, I called 2 of my friends. It helps to be able to talk to someone.

I just realised, people might not believe what I have just written. You might be wondering, she's just a colleague. Well, as the blog is entitle Thoughts Un-Publish (until I decide to change it) & knowingly there wont be many people reading so what the heck. Believe it or not, nothing more & nothing less is added or subtracted. It has depict exactly what has happened & how I feel. I can see blood, watch an operation and I would not have any reaction but it's a totally different story when things like this happen to people that I care & love. To me, it's a little sis who's undergoing an operation not a colleague.

Now the only thing I could do is pray... Pray that God will speed her recovery.