Good Nite

Dear Blog,

Gonna call it a day. Gonna go to sleep. I am in so much pain, I just hope sleep will come. So tired. Wish to find friends to talk to but non available. I guess I just miss (really really miss) those days when there are people who cares if I live or die. Now....? Well, tomorrow will be another day, I wake up, I learn to smile & be happy. I fight my feelings & thoughts & circumstances that tend to drag me down. After a full day battle, there will be casualties. I lick my wounds. A dear friend of mine says, "Shit happens" :) Yes indeed, too often sometimes.

Sometimes I have this de ja vu feeling, like its a cycle that I am unable to break. Certain days it's ok, even great sometimes. I think I depend too much on external factors to make myself happy. I need to learn to be happy because of me as a factor.

But then everything is a stage. I just need to learn to become better actress. Hahaha. Maybe then I can aim for the Academy Award or the Oscar. Yeah, right....

Good Nite...world

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I am so tired I could collapse. I am working on analyzing 153 surveys in preparation for an upcoming workshop next week. I am trying to figure out how to analyze and most importantly how to interpret the data. I guess I am stuck. I need to get it done by tomorrow afternoon as I need to see my GM at 4pm to discuss the workshop script. So I am highly stress + all relevant stress symptom is beginning to show.

Last time I used to go asked this friend/colleague of mine. He is real smart & He would help. Unfortunately nowadays, he tend to push me off everytime I tried to seek advice or help. So I am trying my hardest to grit my teeth & maybe drop a few tears due to tiredness & stress. After those depressive thought of failure sets in, I'll try to get this thing done by myself. If it fails, it fails.

Another really bright thing is that next week is the workshop & me and my 3 team members have yet to meet to discuss anything. Well, yes yes I know they are good & 2 are already Sifu but everyone's just not around. Yes I know they are busy. I realised that. Well, comforting thought.....since they are good I shouldn't worried. Like I said, if it fails, it fails, no big deal.

He keeps on telling me, I am already good & etc etc etc. Well, the thing people dont understand is it's not about being me being good or not (which I dont think so) but when we work we need to discuss things with people around us, to bounce idea & etc. Hhhmmm.

All these bad experiences I had at work where at almost 99% of the time I felt that I am fighting battle alone that I have decided after this I will try not to take up these type of workshop. Well maybe once in a extreme blue moon. Well, if other people lead maybe because I know I will support & gave my 101% to ensure success. Unfortunately..... never mind, not important.

I am too poof to work anymore (almost 14 hours of work). I think I will call it a night. Maybe tomorrow things will look better.

Wish

I wish that today will not end. I had 3 laid back days without or trying my best not to think of my work or the loads of things I need to complete by next week. I wish that tomorrow is not a Monday. I wish that Monday would not come & it will stay as Sunday for a few more days. Well, reality is time will turn to days.

Venting my Frustration

I guess I have treated this blog some sort like my personal diaries. I was extremely pissed bout 2 things. One being PJ State library and the other humans who dont know how to drive.

Lately, PJ State library doesn't allow people to bring in bags. I was really irritated as I now need to carry all my 4 books in & out of the library. These books are heavy. I understand that they are concern people might nab things out from the library but they can always check people's bag. Unless they thought people would look more studious if they carry big heavy books around. It's also difficult when I need to bring my laptop to get some work done in the library. The difficult part was if I need to stay in the library for several hours. If I need to use the washroom, with my bag, at least I could sling my laptop & go to the loo. Now how am I gonna do that, bite the laptop in my teeth? Just stupid. However, today when I was there, I saw them allowed 2 teenagers carry their bag in. I was in a rush so I did not enquire but I hope they are not practicing double standard.

Second, people nowadays just dont put signal when they drive, why? Is it because they were never taught by their driving instructor, their signals were spoilt, they expect people to read their mind or they just plain irritatingly & idiotically dont care. Also, people tend to drive right on the white line dividing between two lanes. Duh!!!! What, they think the line is a guideline for them to drive in a straight line?

It's either everything around me is just plain irritating or I am extremely irritated & angry with avery little thing that happen around me. I have grown to be impatient with many a things too. Why does all these things get on my nerve so much?

I am on MC today. It has been several days since I felt really tired and every inch of my bones ache. I had ignored it. Then right up till yesterday night, I was so tired that I fell asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. I use to take some time falling into the sleep zone but last night it's as if someone had used a blugger & whack me on the head :)

Half way through the night I woke up shiverring. My teeth were clattering & my muscle was almost in spasm. Despite the hot weather, I was never accustomed to air-condition when I sleep. So only my ceiling fan was spinning restlestly like every other night. After wrapping myself up in my blankie for sometime I fell asleep.

Everything around me was spinning & I was wondering why my neighbour was playing the drum so early in the morning. Then I realised that I woke up with headache & dizziness. Despite my condition I took my medicine, alternating between sleep & working on one of my project.

Finally when my head cleared, I went & saw the dr. The dr told me I look like shit (ok, not precisely using that word) & that my throat was really really red. This particular dr always told me (whenever I had to pay her a visit) that work is not everything. As usual, she repeated this phase again today. She told me, "Pleanty of water & plenty of rest or else, you'll be back to & I will have to issue you more MC." I told her I could not afford any more MC as my work schedule is really pack at the moment. She just smile & said, "It's up to you cos the virus had not fully attack, it's only at the beginning".

Hhhmm, the battle cry had started, me against the virus & its allies. Who will triump at the end?

I have not written for quite some time now. Recently I became a member of PJ community library. The place’s nice but it’s really, really cold inside. The 1st floor especially could turn your brain to ‘popsicle’ after about an hour or so. I had recently borrowed 6 books from the Darren Shan series. The show entitled “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)” are base on these books. After reading the 3rd book, I finally managed to get the DVD. I was really eager to watch the movie as when I read, I would try to imagine how Darren (the main character) would look like, his best friend Steve, Madam Octa (the spider) Mr. Crepsley the vampire, the people from Cirque du Freak & so on. I enjoyed the book very much as the book described perfectly each scene & it takes my mind through various adventures. Unfortunately, the movie was nothing I hope it would be. The movie tried to cramp all the series into 1 film & I was especially disappointed how the Cirque du Freak was introduced in the movie. I felt like seeing clips of ‘cut & paste’ scenes which was then turn into a movie. The feeling of curiosity and excitement were no longer presence in the movie. How unfortunate. It could have been a great movie.

I haven’t had that many opportunities to read all those books which was later turn into movies. So far I had read P.S I Love You & watch the movie. Sad to say, the movie had also done injustice to the writer similar to the Vampire’s Assistant. The story written by Cecilia Ahern was in P.S I Love You was great. It was one of those stories that I could laugh & cry at the same time. Imagine! But alas, the movie failed to portray the sadness, the insecurity and the pain the lead character, Holly went through.

So far, the only movie I find which is quite similar to the book I read was Harry Potter, the 1st to 5th movie. The 6th movie, The Half Blood Prince was a bit of a let down as well. I hope to have more opportunities in future to read and compare between the movie and the book which the movie is base on. Hhmm I think my next target would be ‘Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief’ (Grin….)

P.S I Love You by Cecelia Ahern

On the 6th of Aug, when I was temporary out of commission, along with the 22 DVD that Rose had packed for me was this book entitled “P.S. I Love You”.

“Make sure you see the movie 1st before you read the book”, she instructed.

As it turns out, my mood got the better side of me and instead of watching all those new DVD’s which I longed to watch when they debut in the Cineplex like “The Devil Wear Prada” and “P.S. I Love You”, I had a rerun of all those good old movies which I realized I still enjoyed. I had a great time watching Harry Potter series (from The Sorcerer’s Stone to The Order of The Phoenix) back to back, Charlie’s Factory, Pretty Woman while singing the theme song loudly. It was absolutely crazy as I was singing “Pretty Woman, walking down the street” at about 1am in the morning.

I, however did started reading the book several days later, Chapter 1 & 2 while I was waiting for my Dr’s appointment. I had then SMS Rose,
“Hi. I know u said watch movie 1st then read. But I started w d book (P S I love U) 1st. I m only at chapter 2 & I already feel like crying. I think I ll definitely shed lots of tears on tis 1.”

And I was absolutely right. No doubt only recently I actually continue reading the book and subsequently finished the book on the 3rd October 08, but it’s better late than never. I had thoroughly enjoyed a good cry and a good laugh all at the same time. However, what really strikes me is that there are similarities between how I feel now and what Holly felt and most importantly she had her family members and friends to help her pull through.

They, in their whacky kind of ways, each with their own personality including her eldest brother Richard whom she initially cant stand somehow contributed to her journey of realization, self assurance and recovery. The journey, long as it is, she was never abandoned, never alone.

I guess similarly I was blessed to have friends while I go through my difficult journey in life. Rose had been there when I crashed and all along coaxing me to move forward, insisting that I share my pain with her, not judgmental regardless of what I tell her and being extremely gentle & patient. I have 2 very dear friends who would remind me that they love me. And I have another friend who don’t mind me slacking off and being bugged for no reason why.

To those who believe true friendship exist, those who goes through pain or even those who wishes to just grab a good book, do consider mulling over this one. To me, it’s a worthy investment.